Full Lecture Transcript (Cleaned)
The Question: Same-Sex Attraction and Family Pressure to Marry — 31:12
We have an anonymous email — the name is there but he asked me not to mention it, and you will see why when I read the question.
A brother emails and says that his parents have put him into an arranged marriage situation. After a long time of saying no to many proposals, he eventually caved in. But he is now saying that he is actually not attracted to the opposite gender — he is battling with same-sex attraction — and he has resigned himself to living a celibate life and not acting on his impulses. He is fine with all of this. He is not asking for any type of justification for anything. But all he is saying now is that he does not know what to do, because his parents have for a long time been pressuring him and he has finally acquiesced. He wants to make his parents happy, but he feels that he cannot fulfill the rights of his wife or be a husband in the intimate sense.
The Ruling: He Must Not Allow This Marriage to Proceed — 32:07
The response is: dear brother in Islam, you cannot allow this marriage to take place as the situation has been described. You are sinful to Allah in this case, because this is not a personal issue that you are battling with. What you are battling with — once you get married — will affect your wife as well.
You see, in this case the brother is saying — and he explicitly said this — that he has no attraction to the opposite gender. He is only attracted to the same gender. I have already spoken about this topic in a number of previous lectures. He is not asking about that ruling. He knows it is not allowed. He is not going to act upon it. But he was wanting to live a single life — that is it. He is not going to get married. But now his parents are pressuring him and he does not know what to say. He is basically confused. He does not want to mention the reason, obviously.
You Are Sinful for Obeying Your Parents in This Case — 33:14
Dear brother in Islam, listen to me. I cannot tell you how to back out or what to say to your parents and family and friends — that is something you need to think about. Whether you want to disclose or not, I understand that in the cultures we are in, you probably cannot say this to them directly. But just because you cannot say this, there are other excuses that can be given that might be easier for them to understand or deal with.
Of them — and I am just giving you some ideas here — there is something called asexuality: people have no desire whatsoever. They are a small percentage of humanity, but they are there. They simply have no desire at all, and it is not their fault or anyone's fault — it is just the way they are created. Just as it is not your fault that you are attracted to the same gender. So you can say that you are not interested in intimacy at all and the thought is repulsive to you, and it is not going to work, and you will be doing injustice to the lady.
Other things can also be said — speak to your close friends who might be able to help you out in your particular culture.
I cannot tell you how to back out, but I am telling you that you must back out. You cannot begin a relationship with another human being who is walking in completely innocent, not knowing anything about you in this regard, and expecting to have a normal family life and normal marital relations.
Dear brother: if you do this, you are sinful in the eyes of Allah. You are not sinful for telling your parents the truth and making them hurt or irritated — that is their fault, not yours. If they were to get angry and yell and scream, you are not sinful. You are sinful for obeying your parents in this regard when there is an innocent party involved. It is not just you and your parents — there is an innocent party involved.
On Companionate Marriages — 35:00
I have also heard anecdotally that there are email groups or online communities in the Western world where people are struggling with this desire and not wanting to act upon it — a man and a woman who are both struggling with the same issue — and they decide that it is best for them to get married Islamically, to just be companions to one another, even if it is platonic. They both understand what is going on. This helps their families, they get along anyway as friends, and they might not have to be intimate.
Here is the point: if you were to find a lady who does not mind not being intimate or not having children, that is completely permissible. It is not obligatory to be intimate or to have children. The problem comes in the scenario you described — your wife is completely clueless about your issue. You cannot enter into a contract in this manner and then expect to tell her the day after the marriage. That is not fair — that is an injustice.
But if you were to find a lady actually wanting the same type of scenario — no intimacy, no children, just a partnership — this is something that these days, because of the internet and various communities, insha'Allah may be possible. I am not formally advising you to do this — I do not know you well enough to say that. But I am saying: you know your situation best. Think about this. There is no sin if that were to happen and Allah azzawajal knows best.