Full Lecture Transcript (Cleaned)
The Question — 2:29
May Allah protect us all. The sister is saying that her husband gave talaq to her and, for whatever reason, she says, "I'm not being abused. It's not that I don't feel safe, but I don't want to stay in the same house. Can I go to my parents' house after the talaq has been given?"
Talaq Should Never Be Hasty — 2:56
This is a sensitive question. First and foremost, don't just jump to the question of talaq — and this is my advice to all of you as well. Unfortunately, people are more hasty to do talaq than they are even to get married, and that's not Islamic. You should very, very carefully think through this. Talaq should never be done in anger. Talaq should never be done in haste. Whoever does it in that manner is abusing the concept. Talaq should only be done after every other effort has failed and both parties understand that this marriage is not going to work out — there should be a level of resignation and acceptability.
Talaq should only be done after arbitration has failed. Arbitration — as I've said in the last Q&A as well — should be done by every couple that is arguing. You should find one of the elders from the husband's side and one of the elders from the wife's side. The two should come together and discuss very specifically what the issue is and see if it can be resolved. Allah says if both parties want to resolve it, it will be resolved.
The Proper Procedure for Talaq — 4:13
If it is not resolved and then the talaq should be given, it should be given with consideration, with care, and according to the Sunnah. That means it is not given in haste and anger. It is given only after the woman has finished a menstrual cycle and then she's done her purity, and then no intimacy has occurred. In other words, even the mechanism of talaq — you cannot give a talaq after intimacy has occurred until another cycle has occurred. Why do you think Allah put this? Because Allah doesn't want you to be hasty. Allah does not want you to just give it. No, that's not the way talaq works. You have to wait and plan. Both have to be sure.
The Final Check and Balance — 4:54
Then what is the final check and balance that Allah has placed? One talaq is given. The husband, after all of the above has failed, says, "I divorce you." And then for three cycles — three months, three menstrual cycles — she lives under the same roof as her husband, and they are in a half-and-half state. In other words, technically they're married, but they're not supposed to be married — no touching, no intimacy, no romance.
Why? Because Allah wants to cause you to think: do you really want a divorce? Do you really want to not live together? Okay, let's see. Give it a try. For three months, live under the same roof, but you're not husband and wife — even though you are. The talaq is still pending for three cycles. After three cycles, it becomes effective. So in that interim, you are still married.
Prove it that you really don't want to be married. No romance. Some scholars say even if he kisses her, even if he flirts with her romantically — not even just the act (of course the act without a doubt means the talaq is nullified) — but some scholars say even some flirtation, some kissing means this is now back to the husband-wife situation. Allah wants you to really, really be sure.
The Ruling on Leaving — 6:26
So when the sister says she wants to leave, and she's saying he's not abusive — the response is that you are yourself removing the checks and balances that Allah has placed in your marriage. These checks and balances are for the sanctity of the marriage. So I don't advise this ever.
Yes, if there's abuse going on — without a doubt. If there's physical abuse — without a doubt. If you are in danger — 110%, no problem. You go to a safe place. But you yourself are saying, "He's not abusing me. I'm not feeling unsafe. It's just I don't want to be around the person." Well, then prove it. Both of you prove it. Prove it for three months. You don't have to live in the same bedroom. You don't have to — but you have to be in the same house for three months. Act like roommates. Talk to each other, get by, take care of the chores, but no intimacy and romance. If you can act for three months like this, you are really proving the marriage is gone.
The Technical Ruling — 7:33
To respond to the sister's question: if you do this, you yourself have lifted the safety that Allah has given. But technically, after three months your talaq will be effective. In other words, it's not a condition that you must live under the same roof — it is for your own safety and good, for the marriage's sanctity. If you choose not to do that, that is not good. Technically, it is not linked to the validity of the talaq.
So your talaq will still be effective after three cycles. If you have chosen to remove your checks and balances, then that is your decision, but you should not do so. If your husband asks you not to do so and there's no reason for you not to, one can even say you are sinful. However, we are all aware that sometimes the husband and wife — there's no physical danger, but the tension is so much and the anger is so great that both of them don't want to be around each other. If that is the case and it is by mutual agreement, there is no sin. But if one side is saying "let's give it a try" and the other side is being adamant, without a doubt the adamant side is being sinful because there's an attempt to save the marriage.
Sometimes it happens that both sides give up completely — in that case it's not a sin, and if you choose to do that, then it is your affair, and the divorce will be valid after three menstrual cycles.