Full Lecture Transcript (Cleaned)
The Question — 0:00
A sister writes anonymously — she says her father was abusive throughout her childhood, to the point where she now has panic attacks, flashbacks, and difficulty breathing when she is around him. She has since moved out and is living separately. She asks: is it obligatory for her to visit and be a dutiful daughter, or can she simply make dua and keep her distance?
A Note on Therapy — 1:00
Yasir Qadhi opens by being explicit: what he is about to give is a fiqh response — a legal Islamic ruling. It is not therapy or psychological counseling, and it should not substitute for it. Reading the sister's email, it is clear she has significant unprocessed trauma. She needs a therapist and a counselor. Scholars and sheikhs are not therapists, and it is a mistake to come to us expecting us to fill that role. Please also see a mental health professional.
The Five Types of Abuse — 1:45
Abuse comes in five forms:
Yasir Qadhi pauses here to address the community: if you know someone in your extended family who is abusing a child in any of these ways, it is your collective obligation to intervene. Who else will protect that child if not the extended family? In this country, certain forms of abuse are legally mandated to report — and that is a good law. We need to teach our communities how to recognize abuse and respond to it.
The Fiqh Ruling — 3:00
The fundamental principle is from the Quran: "La yukallifu Allahu nafsan illa wus'aha" — Allah does not burden a soul beyond what it can bear. And the Prophet ﷺ said: "La darar wa la dirar" — there shall be no harm inflicted, and no harm returned. These are foundational principles of Islamic law.
If a person is being psychologically and emotionally harmed by visiting a parent — experiencing genuine panic attacks, palpitations, hyperventilation — then Allah is not calling you to do something that causes you this level of harm. The Sharia does not impose the unbearable.
The principle is: the more dhulm (injustice/wrongdoing) that has been done to someone, the less they are obligated to give back. This is a proportional relationship. A parent who has been a model of love and care has full rights of birr. A parent who has severely abused their child has those rights diminished in proportion to the severity of the abuse.
In extreme cases — a parent who has physically threatened the child's life — there are effectively no remaining obligatory duties. If this were not true, there would be no logical stopping point where the Sharia would protect the child.
That said, even in severe cases, some minimal obligation usually remains. For example, if the parent is financially struggling and the child is financially stable, she can send some financial support indirectly — she doesn't have to hand it to him in person. There are still some duties, even if they are diminished and can be fulfilled from a distance.
Don't Accept Permanent Estrangement — 4:30
Yasir Qadhi gives the sister some important advice: do not be content with the status quo. Permanent estrangement should not be accepted as a default. Try through family intermediaries — cousins, aunts, uncles, the mother if she is supportive — to seek some form of reconciliation or at least clarity.
Perhaps the father has changed and wants to repent. Perhaps he is oblivious to how much harm he caused and needs to be told. Perhaps a family member can mediate. There are many possibilities. Make dua, try your asbab (practical means), and do not give up on the possibility that hearts can change.
"Wa law anfaqta ma fi'l-ardi jami'an ma allafta bayna qulubihim — walakinna Allaha allafa baynahum" — Even if you spent everything in the world, you could not bring hearts together; but Allah brought them together. Do not underestimate what dua can accomplish.
For parents who have abused their children: you will face Allah on the Day of Judgment. The Prophet ﷺ warned us that the greatest wrong is against those who cannot defend themselves. On that Day, when a child who was wronged sees their parent, the parent will want to run — because they will know what is coming. Do not do dhulm to those in your household.
May Allah make all of our families families of love and compassion, and protect all of our children and all innocent ones. Ameen.