Can I cut off contact with my abusive father or mother?

The obligation of birr al-walidayn (dutifulness to parents) is diminished in proportion to the injustice (dhulm) done to the child. A grown child suffering panic attacks when visiting an abusive parent is not required to visit in person. The principle of "la darar wa la dirar" (no harm shall be inflicted or reciprocated) and "la yukallifu Allahu nafsan illa wus'aha" (Allah does not burden a soul beyond what it can bear) both apply. Some duties remain — such as sending financial help indirectly if needed — but the volume of obligations shrinks as the severity of abuse increases. The child should still seek reconciliation through family intermediaries and make dua for the parent.

Do I still have to visit parents who physically or emotionally abused me?

The obligation of birr al-walidayn (dutifulness to parents) is diminished in proportion to the injustice (dhulm) done to the child. A grown child suffering panic attacks when visiting an abusive parent is not required to visit in person. The principle of "la darar wa la dirar" (no harm shall be inflicted or reciprocated) and "la yukallifu Allahu nafsan illa wus'aha" (Allah does not burden a soul beyond what it can bear) both apply. Some duties remain — such as sending financial help indirectly if needed — but the volume of obligations shrinks as the severity of abuse increases. The child should still seek reconciliation through family intermediaries and make dua for the parent.

Is it haram to not visit parents if it causes panic attacks?

The obligation of birr al-walidayn (dutifulness to parents) is diminished in proportion to the injustice (dhulm) done to the child. A grown child suffering panic attacks when visiting an abusive parent is not required to visit in person. The principle of "la darar wa la dirar" (no harm shall be inflicted or reciprocated) and "la yukallifu Allahu nafsan illa wus'aha" (Allah does not burden a soul beyond what it can bear) both apply. Some duties remain — such as sending financial help indirectly if needed — but the volume of obligations shrinks as the severity of abuse increases. The child should still seek reconciliation through family intermediaries and make dua for the parent.

What are the rights of children against abusive parents in Islam?

The obligation of birr al-walidayn (dutifulness to parents) is diminished in proportion to the injustice (dhulm) done to the child. A grown child suffering panic attacks when visiting an abusive parent is not required to visit in person. The principle of "la darar wa la dirar" (no harm shall be inflicted or reciprocated) and "la yukallifu Allahu nafsan illa wus'aha" (Allah does not burden a soul beyond what it can bear) both apply. Some duties remain — such as sending financial help indirectly if needed — but the volume of obligations shrinks as the severity of abuse increases. The child should still seek reconciliation through family intermediaries and make dua for the parent.

Do abusive parents lose their right to be honored?

The obligation of birr al-walidayn (dutifulness to parents) is diminished in proportion to the injustice (dhulm) done to the child. A grown child suffering panic attacks when visiting an abusive parent is not required to visit in person. The principle of "la darar wa la dirar" (no harm shall be inflicted or reciprocated) and "la yukallifu Allahu nafsan illa wus'aha" (Allah does not burden a soul beyond what it can bear) both apply. Some duties remain — such as sending financial help indirectly if needed — but the volume of obligations shrinks as the severity of abuse increases. The child should still seek reconciliation through family intermediaries and make dua for the parent.

What are my Islamic duties toward parents who were abusive?

Full Lecture Transcript (Cleaned)

The Question — 0:01

An anonymous sister emails at length. She says: we always hear about the rights of parents over and over again — but what about the rights of children? What about children who have been abused by their parents?

She describes that her father was abusive to the point that when she is around him, she gets anxiety attacks, flashbacks, and cannot breathe properly. She has moved on and lives separately. She asks: is it wajib for me to visit and be a dutiful daughter, or can I just make dua and let it be? What is my obligation?

Seek Both a Scholar and a Therapist — 0:01

Yasir Qadhi notes that his answer addresses the fiqh dimension only, not the psychological one. He strongly advises this sister — and anyone in a similar situation — to consult both a scholar and a therapist or counselor. Scholars are not therapists. Reading her email, he can see she carries deep trauma that needs professional unpacking. It is a mistake to bring issues requiring therapy to a scholar who has not trained as a counselor.

The Five Types of Abuse — 5:04

Yasir Qadhi outlines the five forms of abuse:

Physical abuse — hitting in a way that causes trauma. What constitutes abuse varies by time, place, and culture, but genuine physical trauma is always dhulm.

Emotional abuse — constantly criticizing, diminishing, name-calling. In this case, the father would say: "I wish you had never been born." This destroys a child emotionally even if not physically.

Sexual abuse — which he describes as one of the worst types.

Economic abuse — a breadwinner who hoards wealth and does not spend on the family despite having the means.

Psychological abuse — using fear, intimidation, and threats that do not result in physical harm but constitute psychological torture.

He calls on the community — extended family, cousins, in-laws — to monitor and intervene when they see any of these types of abuse happening to children. "How else will this child be protected if it is being abused in its own house?"

The Fiqh Ruling — 6:53

Two key principles apply:

La yukallifu Allahu nafsan illa wus'aha — Allah does not burden any soul with more than it can bear. If visiting causes panic attacks and hyperventilation, Allah is not calling her to do something unreasonable and beyond her bearing capacity.
La darar wa la dirar — there shall be no harm inflicted and no harm reciprocated. This is a foundational principle of fiqh.

The general rule: the more dhulm (injustice) has been done to you, the less the obligation (haqq) you owe in return. If the abuse was so severe that she is frightened for her safety, there are no duties upon her at all.

However, if she is financially stable and her parent is in need, she can send an amount of money indirectly — she does not have to hand it over personally. There are still some duties, but they are diminished in light of the injustice done to her.

Practical Advice — 8:46

Go see a therapist before getting to the fiqh — unpack the trauma with an expert.

Try to get reconciliation through family intermediaries: cousins, uncles, aunts, the mother if she is available. Perhaps the father is repentant and doesn't realize the severity. Do not just accept the status quo.

Make dua to Allah — do not be satisfied with leaving the situation as is. Low anfaqta ma fi al-ardi jami'an ma allafta bayna qulubihim — if you spent all the wealth of the earth you could not bring hearts together, but Allah can. So seek His help.

On Judgment Day, the parent who committed dhulm against a child who could not defend themselves will face that child in front of Allah. "The greatest dhulm is against those who cannot defend themselves."

About Other Estranged Parents — 11:05

This same principle applies to fathers who abandoned their families. If a son is now 35 years old and his father who abandoned him as a child reappears demanding care — the son's obligations are proportionally diminished. There is always some haqq because it is still one's father or mother, but the one who committed dhulm does not have the same haqq as a parent who was generous and kind. There is no question about this.