Full Lecture Transcript (Cleaned)
Question and Context — 0:00
Brother Hassan from New York and also sister I think Manas from California I got actually four emails in the last weeks about the same issue I'm gonna summarize it and it's a very sensitive topic the the emails all se the same scenario a female relative has decided to marry a person of another faith and now the question arises what is to be done she's adult she's free to do whatever she wants you know politically and technically and one in one case the uncle in the other case a cousin in the.
Other case a family friend is asking should we attend the ceremony and what do we do afterwards and what is the verdict on a Muslim a muslima having Anika with a kitabi or even a non kitabi even somebody who's agnostic or atheist so this is the question is the wedding permissible should we attend the wedding what is to be done afterwards - mutt before I jump into the answer to this question I do need to take a bit.
Of a step back and address a segment of people who find the entire question problematic and they say why does it bother you if somebody has chosen their life partner they're in love with them they want to be happy together why do you have to interfere and in particular many people that are living in a liberal paradigm they find it problematic that we problematize somebody else's marriage you understand the point here right if they're getting married that's their happiness let them do it and we need to be very frank here.
Fact of the matter is somebody who finds our problematizing problematic right they're coming from a very different paradigm and I inshaaallah plan to give lectures about this as well but their paradigm is essentially a modern version of liberalism which is extremely dismissive of religious values of religious conservatism and in our times the way that modern values have progressed it is self-evident once upon a time a hundred years ago even fifty years ago a person always thought of himself or herself in relationship to one's family in relationship to one's community in.
Relationship to one's society nowadays the concern completely is on myself me myself and I what do I want once upon a time people valued community these days it is the individual once upon a time people looked at the spiritual and physical well-being these days is just what do I desire what is my shower and essentially what we see modern liberalism is as allah says in the quran afar item ana tejada ilaha who Hawaa who have you not seen the one who has taken his passions as his god i have said.
Many times modern postmodern liberalism is essentially this where my desires become my religion my Deen their tow heed worship is to worship their desires so then what will sheer could be anyone who comes between them and their desires and that's why they cannot stand anyone who says don't act upon your impulses just because you feel a Shavua does because you feel a temptation why do you have to act upon it for their paradigm this is shirk literally no exaggeration because they're tawheed is the worship of their desires right and that's.
What we see in our modern culture is that what is your identity how do you feel okay what are you exploring your own inner whatever there you know that they want to do essentially it boils down to what do I want to do nobody has the right to tell me other than that and it is difficult for somebody in that paradigm to even begin to understand our paradigm because our paradigm is that the individual is never an individual the individual is also a mother or father is also a brother or.
Sister is also a member in a society the individual most importantly is a worshipper of Allah subhana WA Ta'ala so you can't just put aside this individual and ignore community society dunya ah here ah you can't do that and sometimes this works for open-minded liberals because liberals sometimes were the most bigoted people even though they claim to be the most open-minded and this is the irony by their liberal values technically technically liberalism says tolerate all opinions okay but the fact of the matter is that as long as nobody is forced.
Or or or physically harmed yet this modern version of liberalism is militantly fundamentalist it doesn't even allow you in your personal life to hold an opinion that goes against their values even if you don't like you're not forcing anybody I have an opinion about marriage about sexuality it's my opinion why can't I have it but for me to merely have it it is as if I have committed [ __ ] in their eyes because it is their [ __ ] right because my values right impede with their values and so.
The irony is that the system that claims to respect all views ends up being extremely disrespectful to any view that is not within its spectrum so we have to begin by pointing that out the bottom line as I said us religious folks we have many factors that we look at and not just the person's desires it's not just about what do I want it's about what and and if you want to explain to us somebody from a liberal paradigm you can say what would you do if your best friend if.
Your cousin if your sister or brother became a drug addict what would you do I'm not comparing a person's love with addiction I'm comparing the concept why would you intervene and say oh I do mind that he wants to have cocaine his desires are harmful to him the liberal would say we say and we believe certain desires are also harmful you might not believe them but understand where we're coming from not every desire is useful not every desire is healthy not every love is necessarily good for you that's what we.
Believe who tells us what is right and wrong allah subhanho wa taala who tells you what is right and wrong majority opinion changes every few years or something new democracy is when the natural logical conclusion is them even ethical values become up to the majority world and I have to give this long disclaimer because I have to be brutally honest here you know these videos they go online and people cut snippets and paste and like oh look at this fundamentalist preacher he's telling people they shouldn't marry whom they love and.
I say look we have the right to preach whatever we want even as we understand the freedom of this country we cannot force anybody and that's why it's problematic we are finding many women of our faith decide to marry people outside the fate we have to be very frank here we cannot force what can we do we can speak we can have feelings just like she has feelings why can win also not yet and we can try to argue and negotiate but in the end of the day if she insists.
And she is an adult what are you going to do in terms of technically I'm not talking about Islamic law what are you going to do so we have to be very clear about this issue that long introduction let us now answer the 50 question do we believe it is allowed to marry a person outside of our faith tradition we know that the Quran X bliss Utley forbids a Muslim man or a Muslim woman from marrying a mushrik wallet and Medina and what riccati it is explicit in the Quran men.
And women cannot marry mushrik and the term [ __ ] applies to anyone who worships other than allah subhanahu wa'ta'ala even somebody who rejects Allah is committing a type of [ __ ] because they have taken themselves and their egos as objects of worship besides Allah so from a technical perspective even those who believe that God has a son that is a type of [ __ ] as well so all of this is included in shirk because they are worshipping and believing in a god other than allah subhanahu wata'ala so.
There's a general rule muslim man and woman cannot marry mushrik now one exception comes that sister baqara one exception comes in Surat al-ma'idah Allah says in surah al-ma'idah one of the last revelations that was revealed that it is allowed for you men to marry a kitabi lady if they are chaste meaning if they are not acting in a lewd and of lavishness manner they are living a dignified life a Muslim man may marry a kitabi lady this is a gender specific exception a man may marry a lady that is a.
Kitabi because it is so explicitly gendered in the Quran the opposite a Muslim lady marrying a kitabi man is forbidden from the generalities of the previous verse and it is because of this that there is unanimous consensus that a lady of a Muslim background is not allowed to marry anybody outside of Islam whether that person is kitabi or that that person is other than a kitabi and I say Iijima here and I kind of go over the Quran in this regard because in Islamic law believe it or not I know.
It sounds strange for the person who hasn't said it asserted filth but the number one source that is the strongest source of Islamic law is actually a Juma in terms of the stronger it is iijima why because a verse of the quran is open to interpretation the hanafis might say this - a phrase might say that when you have edema what you are saying is that there is there has never been any controversy in this regard and this is one of those few issues in our religion where there is unanimous.
Consensus of all the scholars of Islam that a Muslim lady cannot marry outside of the faith imam attic mentions in his mother one of his students student wrote this that don't you see that it is not allowed for a muslima to marry an asana or a yahoodi in any circumstance Imam Shafi mentions in his a camel or on that it is haram for a Muslim to marry a mushrik whether they are from idolaters or whether they are from the Chanukah table Imam or portly by mentions in his aljahmeir that it.
Is never allowed for a muslima to marry a non-muslim and there is edema of the ummah on this point Imam bara sees as the same thing even Kadam and his money says it is never in any circumstance allowed for a kafir to marry a Muslim ma there is never allowed and in fact there is Iijima on this point even in the Kodama says this even al Moonville who wrote one of the earliest books of edema implemented is a scholar of the 4th century or 5th century early 5th century who wrote.
Core Ruling and Evidence — 11:24
One of the first books on each ma and he lists in that little treatise what has the ummah agreed upon one of the points edema and a cool name enough of alumina in all of the people i have ever met and he was one of the scholars who traveled far and wide they have admired that it is not allowed for a muslima to marry a kitabi or a mushrik so it is something that is explicitly clear even at the time of the prophet salallahu early cinema after the treaty of hudaibiya.
When muslims ladies converted and they came to to medina the Sahaba were wondering should we return them back to Makkah and the the Prophet ﷺ asked Allah Allah as what you revealed in the Quran do not return muslimah ladies to their husbands neither are they allowed for them nor are they allowed for them any neither are their ex-wives allowed for the ex-husbands nor are the ex-husbands allowed for their ex-wives this is a well-known incident the Quran was revealed because of now before I move on two quick points this might shock some of.
You but it is my humble opinion based on the fatwa eben Abbas and many scholars that the opposite is also not allowed in cases of living in non Muslim lands meaning in my humble opinion I do not consider it permissible for a Muslim man to marry a kitabi lady except in the lands of Islam this is my opinion it is the opinion of many people before me and many people in our times when Allah allowed a Muslim man to mariequita be lady eben Abbas said this is for the lands of.
Islam not allowed when the court systems are not following the laws of Islam because when a Muslim man marries a kitabi lady in the lands of Islam and a divorce happens the Shetty I will judge that the children be raised as Muslims that is not the case in lands outside of Islam also I bring the court of America table when he forbade the Muslims who settled in Iraq to marry the kitabi ladies they wrote back and they said yeah Ameer al-mumineen it's allowed and in his case he said I'm not.
Saying it's Haram he said that but if every man amongst you married a kitabi lady who would marry our women so he forbade it as a matter of cxeh of political jurisdiction or as a matter of fact even Abbas said from a technical perspective even a filthy perspective a Muslim man cannot marry a kitabi lady when the laws of the land are not going to be supporting the children's Islam and this is something that I personally follow but I know there's a stain off so if somebody has another position that.
Is fine so in my humble opinion neither a man nor a woman can marry outside the faith in the country we reside in it is only allowed to marry within the Fate this is my opinion that's why I have never in my life performed in a gap between a Muslim man and a key tabulated in my opinion as I said I'm not putting it binding on anybody else I'm just giving my position another exception that the European Phil Council has given a fat Swan and I agree with this as well.
Is that this verdict of a kitabi applies only when the marriages beginning a muslima wants to marry a kitabi we say not allowed however if a couple is Christian or Jewish and the lady converts to Islam so the marriage took place and they're both Khatami's then the one partner converts if the husband converts no problem because the majority say that the muslim man is allowed to America tabulating correct and even in this case I say no problem I mean this is a different thing you understand but what if it's the.
Opposite what if the lady converts and the husband does not convert the European fifth Council has released a fatwa and one of my mentors and somebody I considered teacher abdullah al judea has written a book on this islam Waheeda Sojin is a very good book and this was the photo of america table and Ali bin Abi thought of in their jahnava in their in their Halawa it happened both of their Calathes that a lady converted and her husband did not they had a family and she said I don't want to.
Leave I'm happy here he's allowed me to be Muslim so they wrote to Medina this in these incidents took place far away they wrote to Medina and in both cases in her mother's rodella's fatwa and in a leaderless fatwa he said okay in that case let them remain so an exception was made for somebody who converts as long as she can practice her faith is it healthy no but is the marriage balton as long as she can practice Islam my position of the fifth council those who also said this European.
Felt consul the American fil council hasn't said anything but I know internally we followed this position as well it is permissible for the marriage to refer to for the marriage to not resume to be maintained you are not allowed to initiate a marriage but to maintain in Arabic is called is this habit also do you you presume the continuity the continuities or the continuity of the marriage is permissible but not the initiation of a is that clear okay with this filthy background let us now conclude with the big question what.
Is to be done she's decided we say it's not allowed we say there is no nikka we say this NECA has balton you can have a civil marriage you can make the registration the government considers it a valid ceremony and a valid marriage we understand that from our perspective the nikah is belted it doesn't exist what is to be done now this is the whole issue there is no religious fatwa that can be given this is now a matter of psychology not legality what is to be done if somebody whom.
You love insists on disobeying Alana's messenger the problem comes here what is our ultimate goal is it for us to punish them or is it for us to guide them I'm asking you to guide them okay so the goal here if they've declared we want to do something how long the goal here is to guide them how you guide somebody how you influence somebody is not fit in his psychology so one of the most common genre of questions us people get asked the issue of Honduran Amman what not one of.
The most common John rrah share I have a friend who does X Y and D what should I sue I do Sheriff I have a relative who does this what is the best way to give that word to them and my response is always the same you know best you're asking a psychology question or a legal question what is the best way to give dower is not fit that is human psychology and who knows your friend you or me who knows your cousin you are me who knows your brother or.
Sister you or me you do so what is the next step you and your family needs to come together and have a frank discussion what do we need to do to try our best to influence this person in the short or in the law term and that question nobody on a podium on a pulpit from a chefs paradigm can answer as well as you can we can give you generic guidelines so when this is going to happen you've tried to discuss she is adamant she's gonna go forth with it what.
Can you do you have to come together as a family and without this individual even with the individual as well and discuss what are the next steps we should take and generically speaking generically speaking I mean because because there's always exceptions sometimes a person might be best that you withdraw from them emotionally cut off and they're gonna feel a sense of we need to change for the better that will influence them sometimes being angry and rebuking will work but generally speaking a little bit of compassion works more than a little.
Bit of harshness this is the general rule a little bit of kindness hurt love will work better than anger and spouting and whatnot so and that's because people go through phases right now she's passionately in love with her colleague or co-worker right now she's not thinking straight as all of us who are the about the age of 3040 you know I mean love is something Michelle it's nice when you're a teenager but you know life goes on I mean you know it's like it's you that teenage love that happens or.
The first love when she's getting married she's not gonna feel the same way in 5-10 years everybody knows this okay so what do you want to do you want to burn all bridges so that five years down the line when she softens up when she feels an emptiness when she realizes I don't have a connection with my creator and then she also realized that I don't have a family what's gonna happen she's gonna dig herself in deeper she's gonna find other ties I've even heard of very rarely where she converts.
To Christianity not because she necessarily believes but she needs a faith-based community and her whole must youth and family have completely boycotted what do you think is gonna happen psychologically so my general rule but again they're always exceptions is there should be what I call hurt love hurt love there can never be ignoring what she has done and I have to be clear here you cannot just go back to status quo you cannot just say okay fine she's decided but tough luck life goes on why would you do that if.
She was a drug addict if he was a drug addict would you do that if they are selling drugs no you're always gonna show I'm not happy with this lifestyle I don't like what you're doing but there's still your biological daughter cousin needs you that's never gonna change so you have to balance between that ties of kinship and between showing that you're just not happy and again there's no fit a ruling here but I would speak generically generically and again you you judge best I would say the following my humble.
Opinion the generic rule the immediate family of course friends doesn't even come in because why would you you're not as a friend is easier to step back but a generic I mean family immediate family in my humble opinion going to the marriage is a bit too much because you are explicitly endorsing something that is a blatant rejection of Allah Sharia my humble opinion I don't see a justification of you just because when you go with you're gonna be scowling all the time looking angry I mean be be realistic here okay.
What.
Practical Guidance and Caveats — 22:23
Would be the purpose of you going in this case your presence is tacit approval generally speaking this is what I would say however you can't just cut off ties of kinship can you I mean she's your daughter or your niece or your cousin what are you gonna do once kids come what are you gonna do then I mean definitely I hope nobody will take their anger out on the kids the kids have not done anything wrong that they deserve to have anything from you different they are your biological muharram even.
If their marriage is vaulted by the way right if you're the father or the nephew do under the uncle those are your biological moms you cannot marry them even if the marriage is bothered you get the point here there is a something kinship that you have and also it's not the fault of the kids and also shouldn't you even more now be a positive Islamic role model in the lives of these innocent children when they don't have one otherwise right so again we have to bring a a psychological issue that.
Perhaps perhaps some scholars are not understanding when they give very explicit photos I've heard them myself cut off all contact and don't associate and I mean I'm sorry but that's a human element that you're not taking into account how can you cut off all contact with your own son or daughter if they're committing a sin even if I would've eligible ah they have left Islam in the end of the day they're still your son and daughter aren't they there has to be some relationship even as you demonstrate what I thought.
What did I call it or was the term hurt love okay and that hurt love shows to reinforce like son daughter look you're still my son my daughter I still have those feelings for you but I'm very hurt at what you've done in my humble opinion this is the best mechanism of Dawa as well what else can be done when she insists and the marriage takes place what else can be done are you gonna never meet the person that she has married on paper tell me what is another goal you.
Should have Dawa to this person how are you gonna give Dawa if you're gonna spit in his face I mean again there's a human component that we have to be realistic with I may Allah protect us well III say this and I am terrified may Allah protect us forever having to face something like this we don't want it but what are you gonna do if it does happen there's a human element that I have to be honest about are you not gonna invite the person over to your house after week.
Or two when even they know you're angry okay and by the way before it happens you should definitely be frank definitely I mean in the end of it is also not his fault he's living in a society that allows this and in his case it's a typical drama that his whole circle of friends will sympathize with him for his whole family will support him he's gonna you know it's gonna be a it might even become an HBO movie or something you know they're gonna make out of it you know it.
Says a standard scenario that they're gonna love to do you become the typical bad guy stereotypical bad guy so don't be in that box understand what's going on here from his paradigm you have no right to stop your daughter that's the world he been raised in right from our paradigm her daughter's our daughter she's always gonna be our daughter doesn't matter you know so the point is that you need to be a little bit more wiser in this regard of course you will invite him over even before explained to him.
Why you cannot approve this religiously speak to him frankly and say what do you want me to do it's against my faith tradition and I do not believe this is valid in the eyes of my Creator and then right then and there say but I ask you to please think about my faith I ask you this is what I believe give him the Quran and then when they're gone go to your room fall down in sajda and cry to Allah subhana WA Ta'ala to guide that person to Islam what else.
Are you going to do make duaa sincerely and then show that person the best of Islam outside of the marriage ceremony show them what it means to be a Muslim because if he does convert even after a year or two what can you do nikka concerned when you write that in there hamdulillah right you see the point here so the goal is that we need to be a little bit realistic given the circumstances were in these simplistic for the hour of boycott and cut often it doesn't work there's a human.
Component that has to also be taken into account and so the bottom line and with this inshallah tada I conclude we are very well aware that this is a crisis taking place across this country for those of you that are not aware I'm sorry to burst your bubble again from me are gonna hear blunt truths this is becoming more and more common dare I say I cannot imagine anyone that has extended family except that this has happened in your own family and my own family and yes my own family is.
The reality every single one of us it is the reality of the world that we live in marrying outside the faith what is going to happen when this land is less than 1% Muslim and you know this is one of the the risks that come with living in this land whether it's a Muslim man marrying outside which I don't believe is allowed as well or a Muslim lady marrying outside which is becoming more and more common and by the way when it comes to a Muslim man honestly we can be.
More stricter in some ways because there's so many of our sisters unmarried when it comes to a Muslim lady even though it is Haram frankly my heart emotionally kind of understands because I know of cases in my extended acquaintances where the lady was trying trying trying and nobody within the community proposed and she kept on saying that man married a cousin overseas that man married a kitabi that man married a Hispanic convert that married isn't that who's gonna marry me I literally we literally have had sisters come to our lectures.
And crying and saying what can I do I try try try it should I remain my whole life without having a child may Allah forgive me I'm gonna do it somebody told me this may Allah forgive me what else for me to do and I say you shouldn't do it but again it's her choice right and I'm not by the way please don't read in and take this hiya unzip don't take this five-second clip and then go online because like I have to always deal with this issue but my point.
Is that I'm not justifying I'm contextualizing this is a problem and dear brothers that are unmarried please fear Allah subhana WA Ta'ala and marry from our own communities and sisters don't leave and abandon them even if a position allows you to marry okeechobee kitab said if all of our men marry the kitab you ladies who will marry our women and also by the way as well the issue of a nothing wrong with this but going overseas and coming back again this is i understand this is happening but at the same.
Time we are having um crises of spinsterhood across North America across North America this is a major problem and it's not as if our ratios are different no 50/50 but two things number one marrying outside the faith and number two which is halal and I understand going back and then coming in which is understandable I'm not saying that's wrong but again think about marrying from within and within the communities the bottom line I don't recommend and I can't generally see a justification for attending the ceremony because the ceremony is the.
Pinnacle of the whole the whole contract and you being there is a clear endorsement of battle and that is where the tough love comes in you actually tell them I really love you I wish the best for you and because I wish the best for you I can't just sit there and watch and smile as you undertake this life journey as much as I would like to unless you convert to Islam put some soft pressure on him some soft pressure as hell okay think about that of course we want him.
To convert from the heart obviously but some soft pressure is good here but then afterwards if the marriage persists in my humble opinion there has to be a emotional compromise where it's never status quo you can never just go back to normal every once in a while no matter how awkward it is no matter how irritated she gets every once in a while the discussion has to come up because otherwise you are just silent in the face of monka how often the language leave it to you in your psychology and.
Your conscience in front of allah subhanho wa taala but you cannot remain neutral and then for the person involved the other you know the technical husband or whatnot that wa softwa would not go out to allah subhana wa ta'ala then once kids come even more so that in the life of the kids you show what is islam you help them pray with you you know make them understand Islam and then lots of Torah what else can we do and at the end we ask Allah subhana WA Ta'ala protect all of.
Us and protect our families and our sons and our daughters we ask Allah as OJ's refuge from seeing from our sons and daughters that which will break our hearts and and make us sad we ask Allah Azza WA JAL to protect our families and make them families of Eman and taqwa we ask Allah subhana WA Ta'ala to make her sons and daughters of those who love the Quran and who love the Prophet system oh Allah make our sons and daughters or those who establish the Salah and who pay this again.
And who fasts from Oban oh allah grant our sons and daughters and our unmarried brothers and sisters righteous spouses from amongst ourselves o Allah give them spouses that make them the coolness of their eyes in the comfort of their souls and allowed to allow them to come closer to you the automatic our camera I mean so along with cinema Barack